Honesty Can (Sometimes) Hurt the Relationship
‘Finally, he shared what he felt. And he was right too. But I just snapped…’
Ever snapped after honest words? Felt their sting? Or gave feedback and saw your partner’s shock? Their hurt? Such moments might cut deep. They can wound you, your partner, or your bond. They may leave lasting marks.
Let’s take a deep look into honesty in relationships. It’s complex. More than most people think. Yes, honesty is key. But we rarely talk about its risks. Honesty can inflict pain. Not the helpful kind. Knowing when it’s helpful or hurtful is crucial.
Ayelet recalls: I’ve been sharing my life with Opher for 6 years now. Chapter B taught me a lot. Honesty isn’t about blunt truth-telling. It’s about being able to look at bigger pictures.
Here’s an example from our early days. Opher and I had just moved in together. I’d leave the kitchen untidy for hours. Planning to clean it in the evening.
Sometimes, Opher returned home early. And if he needed to use the kitchen, he got annoyed. That was fair. Many don’t like cooking in a messy kitchen. It was how he went about it that bothered me.
He sounded judgmental. Made it into a much bigger problem. Like I’d done something truly terrible. Forgetting those times when he enjoyed my free spirit. As I rarely judged him. Never scrutinized him.
Opher acted like there’s only one way to run a home. His way.
And he missed how we were still adjusting. We had both lived alone before. For years. Had our own ways. I wasn’t messy. My cleaning times were just different.
His honesty was true, but not the whole truth. It painted an incomplete picture of us. And of me. That hurt. A lot.
We both had to change. I started cleaning sooner. He learned to see a more complete picture. We found harmony.
This taught us something important. Honesty isn’t just about isolated facts, feelings or views. It’s about a balanced, full view of life. Let’s see how to do it.
Focusing on parts of the truth is quite common. But it can harm us, as we have learned. The opposite is true too. When we learn to be fully honest, everything changes. Our connections become stronger. For that we need 5 levels of honesty. It’s like climbing a 5-step ladder. One that I call The Truthful-honesty Ladder™.
But, climbing this ladder is an internal process. It is about understanding the whole picture first. Only then can we act wisely. If we still choose to act.
Opher explains: Think about the story above. The one about our early days. Ayelet left the kitchen messy. Boom! I fell into a pit of negative emotions. And I missed the bigger picture. You fall into a hole. What do you do? First you climb out. Then you start running around…
The truthful-honesty ladder helps us climb out first. Let’s get to know it.
This step is about recognizing our feelings and thoughts. Admitting them to ourselves. Especially the painful ones. This is crucial.
Honesty in a relationship starts with knowing who we are. Really knowing our inner world is key. This lets us bring out our true selves. To truly show up to our partners.
Showing up fully deepens intimacy. Here’s why. There is a definition of intimacy that Opher likes to use. It’s ‘the ability to bring yourself fully into the relationship’.
But what if I’m unaware of parts of myself? Parts like my feelings and thoughts? This means holding them back. Not bringing them to the relationship. This breaks the intimacy.
Think about it. If your partner is closed off internally. They might be polite and respectful. They say the right things at the right time. Yet, we may feel they are not completely here.
All communication starts inside. It’s about how we communicate with ourselves. Diving into our inner world. But it isn’t always natural. Many people need to work on it. This is what this step is about.
So, self-awareness is important, of course. But, it’s only the beginning of being honest. Just the first step.
Because here’s the trap. Truthful honesty isn’t about expressing every thought or feeling. Being this blunt can lead to trouble. In my experience, it often does. For example, it’s the quick road to blame games. And many other couple-issues.
Recognizing and admitting our pain to ourselves is key. But we don’t rush to talk about it. Not with our partners anyhow. The magic happens when we step up the ladder.
So, why do we need this first step anyhow? Realizing we are hurting can be a strong motivator. Many times, it’s what drives us to start climbing. Also, it’s the essential first step to truthful honesty.
But remember. The climb is done internally. Realizing our pain doesn’t mean we act upon it. Not right away, anyhow. We must understand more of the truth first. Welcome step 2.
We started looking inside. What we feel and think after something happens. Now it’s time to look into more truths. What are our core values? What do we hold dear? Especially in our relationships.
Here we transcend the survival mind. The reactive fight or flight. That part of us often feels defensive, angry, or hurt.
Something happens and it pains us. In step 1 we might snap. In step 2 we pause first. We check how it relates to our values. How it connects with our beliefs. Here are a few examples.
You come home from work. A rough day. Your partner starts talking. Endlessly. Happily. Wow!
But they are just being their energetic selves. Happy to see you. On other days you’d join in. Happy to flow together. Yet today you can’t. That’s perfectly ok.
Surely it isn’t fair to take it out on them. But is it fair to yourself? Is it true to your values? Maybe something nice like: Sweetheart, I’m not in the mood. I had a rough day. I can’t have this right now.
Again, that would be rushing into action. Too soon.
Step 1 – you realize you are flooded. Overwhelmed by the day you had. Can’t have this cheerful, energetic talk right now.
But! Are my values less true than my reactive feelings? Temporary reactive feelings and thoughts?
Step 2 is still about looking inside. Not about talking. What do I want? Really want? What is important to me in the relationship. Oh right! I like our energetic, happy relationship. I got mad at work. That happens. I’ll solve that. Tomorrow. In a week.
It’s not our recommendation to act now. But if you were to act, it may look something like: Sweetheart I’m so happy to see you too. I’m here but I haven’t arrived yet. I had a tough day. Nothing alarming. So, I’m going to shower. See if I can wash it off.
That contains more of the truth. Your truth.
When you feel annoyed take a wider look inside. Is this part of a bigger picture? Are more things important to you as well? It is common to develop tunnel vision when in pain. A relic of times when things were simple. See hungry lion. Fear. Flight. Relationships are complex. Tunnel vision is rarely the right tool when navigating them.
Let’s look at another situation.
Ayelet: Last week Opher shared some feedback with me. I snapped and went to sleep. In the morning I realized it’s actually ok. I want feedback. Especially when I’m crossing lines. So, I apologized and thanked him. I needed to work through this myself. I might discuss it with him. But the issue is more about me, not us.
Honesty is a huge value for me. You probably get that by now. But it doesn’t mean it’s always easy.
Let’s look at another one.
Opher: Sometimes I’d get annoyed with Ayelet. But then I looked deeper inside. I found out it wasn’t about Ayelet at all. It was a result of my own choice. The choice of being in this relationship. Let me explain.
During COVID we moved in together. Ayelet and her son moved in with us. Joining the house where I lived with my kids. Suddenly things changed in the house. Little things not being exactly as before. I got more and more annoyed.
After the divorce, I lived alone for years. My space. My rules. Everything just so. That level of control was deeply satisfying for me.
Now it was gone.
This was a moment of truth. I had to choose. Live alone with everything being perfect. Or accept the challenges of living together.
I preferred being true to my choice. Of course, some things will be different. Out of my control. That’s just the way things are.
Getting mad at Ayelet was not truthfully honest. It was dumping my pain on her. It was connected to her. But it wasn’t the whole story. Being truthfully honest with myself revealed more. My pain was also a result of my choice. Moving in together is hard. Especially after years of living on my own.
Understanding this changed how we view honesty. It made us widen our vision. But that was just the start.
The first stage is about awareness. Noticing what I feel and think. This can be challenging for many. I’ve practiced mindfulness for 25 years. It’s more natural to me. But it’s always a work in progress. So, it’s an important step. A big step. Yet, just the beginning.
So, step 1 I notice that I’m mad. Now it’s about understanding what’s important to me. What are my values, and being honest about them too.
Now I can ask interesting questions. Like is my anger aligned with what I truly want? With my core values?
Sometimes we don’t actually believe in our anger. It comes up and we know it’s not right. This step is about being accountable to our values and choices.
Values like honesty, growth, sharing, or blending families. These are key in chapter B. They can come with challenging situations. Situations when we may feel frustration and anger. We know they are not aligned with our values. You don’t blend families in order to feel bad. That is not your intention.
So, steps 1 and 2 reveal a conflict. The situation creates emotions that are not aligned with our values. The conflict adds more painful feelings. This leads many to act. To share their feelings with their partners.
But again, this is time for more observation. We only got to level 2. There are 3 more layers of truth. Why act upon partial knowledge? Welcome step 3.
This step is essential yet challenging. It’s about honoring our choice in partner. It means being truthful to them, because we chose them. Our commitment involves understanding their values. Not just their thoughts or feelings.
A relationship is a two-way street. We must respect not only our values. Total honesty includes considering theirs too. It’s about respecting our choice to be with this person.
Some may view this as being a pleaser. It’s anything but. It’s about actively valuing our decision. I don’t want a version of you shaped by my values. I chose you for who you are. With your own values and personality.
Sometimes, I’m annoyed when my partner is busy. Maybe doing sports or with friends. And I prefer us together. Cooking or listening to music. But being truthful means acknowledging my choice in him. I cherish the wonderful things we share.
As a couple, we accept our partner’s differences. And compromise on some needs. Or we can be alone, with only our wants and needs.
Truthfulness means understanding their interests. They love sports, work or hanging around with friends. My irritation is mine to handle, not theirs. I shouldn’t dump it on them. I may want them with me. But they are elsewhere now. I can’t blame them for my annoyance.
No, that wouldn’t be truthfully honest. Because I chose to be with them. This third step is about honoring that choice. Being honest with myself that it’s okay. I need to manage my emotions differently. They’re not about them, but about me.
Reflecting on step two, I look at my values. Which ones are upheld when I respect who you are? And which ones are overlooked? Then comes the question: Whose role is it to satisfy my unfulfilled values? Am I unfairly placing this burden on you? Should you be the one to meet all my needs?
Here’s a true example from our relationship.
Ayelet: Opher values our time together in the evenings. The end of the day. Just us, no distractions, no kids. ‘Closing the day’ he calls it.
Many times, I’m present. But other times, I’m not. It’s about finding a middle ground. However, when I’m unavailable, a vital need for Opher’s goes unmet. He might feel neglected and express his disappointment. ‘Why aren’t you here for me?’ he might ask.
But there are evenings when all I yearn for is to collapse into bed. Complete exhaustion. It’s then Opher’s turn to understand and respect my needs, even if it hurts him.
But it requires clarity. Inner clarity about your values, needs and capabilities. And clarity about your partners’ ones. Reaching this clarity is a long process. One that never ends. As those things are dynamic.
Here Opher had to have clarity about two things. First his hierarchy of values. Truth meant more to him than companionship. And then he needed clarity about differences in our capabilities. He can usually stay up much longer than me. And he had to respect that too.
During one of our honest conversations, Opher shared a profound insight. If I’m genuinely unable to be there, he’d rather I take my space. He wants to be with me. Not with a pleasing version of me. ‘If you don’t want to be here’, he said, ‘I’d rather be alone’.
This is the sound of step 3 truthful honesty.
This can be challenging. And sometimes we want our partners to be super-humans. Or at least like us. Oh! What an amazing thing that would be. Or would it? Luckily, that’s not the reality. So, let’s see how step 4 helps us to solve these challenges.
This step is about being true to our previous understandings and agreements.
Relationships are dynamic. They are made of our shared experiences. But also, of our agreements. We work hard at reaching understandings. This creates harmony. But it’s a process. When we face a challenge, we take the time to talk it through. To understand it together. Its complexity. Only then can we reach an agreement.
But in heated moments we may forget everything. And then it’s like, ‘We already talked about it. Agreed upon it. Understood each other. So why are you angry, like we never talked before?’ It feels like Sisyphus.
A large part of honesty is to be true to what we’ve already created between us. Especially during challenging times. To be truthfully honest we must remember our agreements. What we already talked about, maybe a lot of times, and remember it in real-time.
When I’m annoyed, I need to tell myself: We talked about it. He had already explained it. I had already agreed. So why am I complaining again? And about the exact same thing. It’s like going nowhere.
And if we can’t do it at the moment, that’s fine. We are human. We take time to cool off. And then we do it. That’s ok. As long as we do it. Repetition is key. It takes time to form habits.
Ayelet: Let me tell you about such a time.
It happened recently. My beloved sister and her husband have two toddlers. The most adorable and very energetic boys. So, I love to help out when I can. The other weekend they came over, exhausted. We offered them our bed for a much-needed afternoon nap. I changed the sheets for them. And they slept there, with the little one.
That evening, they left. I fell asleep almost immediately. I forgot to ask Opher about changing the sheets again. He came to bed later, finding me asleep. He couldn’t change the sheets without waking me up. He knew I was exhausted, yet felt overlooked.
The next day, he mentioned it. I reacted with anger. But deep down, I knew. Being attentive to each other’s needs is important for us. We agreed about it. Being seen and seeing the other is talked much in our relationship. I know this.
The realization hit me hard. It hurt, right in my heart. I was wrong. Yet, I resisted apologizing. I was focused on my own values, like reducing stress. Not having to remember everything all the time.
But I had to be honest with myself. I wanted to blame him. It’s easy to do. His upbringing makes him prone to accepting blame. But that wasn’t fair.
To be truly honest, it hurt admitting I wasn’t honoring our agreement. Not being true to our relationship. He’s not indifferent. He notices things, and I appreciate that. He makes me feel seen, cared for. I knew he’d notice the sheets not being replaced.
It’s about internal honesty. The issue wasn’t the forgotten sheet change. I had genuinely forgotten, exhausted that evening. Mistakes happen. We’re human, dealing with so much. The real issue was not acknowledging the oversight later. That compounded the mistake.
We can’t always be perfect. But acknowledging and addressing our errors is key. That’s where the true challenge lies.
It took me another night to cool off. Only then could I express my inner truth. And the next morning I apologized.
So, we look inside at the 4 layers of honesty. It’s time to get a reality check. Welcome step 5.
This is the simplest, most straight forward step. It’s not about our feelings, thoughts, needs, values and beliefs. Nor those of our partners.
This is all about being grounded. Realizing what loving relationships are made of. What is possible and what is not. I call it the physics of love.
You can’t make yourself fly. No matter how much you try. No matter what you believe. Nor is what your partner says or believes. That’s the laws of physics, right?
The same goes for a loving relationship. It has its own laws. For example, we cannot humiliate our partner and still call it a loving relationship. It isn’t.
Loving relationships are about respect and appreciation. So, humiliation, contempt or disregard are out. Like trying to fly. It doesn’t matter what we think, say or believe. If any of these are part of a bond, it is not a loving one.
Even if both partners say that it is. It still doesn’t make it as such.
A loving relationship has essential elements. And it’s not enough to say we want it. Or feel we have it. Or even believe we do. What matters is if those basic blocks are there. Or not.
This is about truth in a loving relationship. There are rules here. We cannot just say or do whatever we want or feel.
But love is a feeling. And a belief.
Feelings are subjective. And the feeling of love has no rules. We can feel love for someone in a hurtful relationship. Even in a violent one.
We can also believe we love those who hurt us. Even in horrible ways. Or that we love them while we hurt them.
Ayelet: I talked to many people who cheated on their partners. Who constantly lied to them. Mistreated them. And still loved them deeply. That is, they believed and felt they loved them. Therefore, they did. Again, feelings and beliefs are totally subjective.
So, we can feel love and believe we love someone. No matter what we do. No matter how we are treated. It’s completely up to us.
However, a loving relationship is objective. It exists in reality. So, there are rules of engagement. Rules we must follow. Or it’s a different relationship. Not a loving one.
There are endless ways to be in a loving relationship. There is no one size fits all. But there is a framework.
Opher: Chaos is not freedom. We can only find freedom in a framework. Within a clear set of boundaries. Every loving relationship is unique. No two will look the same. There may be huge differences even. But, they will follow the same set of rules.
To be truthfully honest is to give in to this. There are standards that make a loving relationship. We must uphold them. And it’s not because our partner wants it. Or needs it. It’s because a loving relationship requires it. That is being truthfully honest.
There’s a lot of basic blocks. This could be the subject of another article. But for now, let’s look at a few key ones. Those are respect, appreciation, commitment and trust. Friendship, understanding and physical intimacy end this list.
Now let’s climb the 5-step ladder. Remember, this is an internal process. We do it with ourselves. We can talk about it of course. But it is always first of all an internal process.
Let’s look at time for example. We are not completely happy with the amount of time we spend together. It’s a constant issue.
This is about focusing on my feelings and thoughts. Those are quite spontaneous.
We can start with a question:
If I could spend time together only when I feel like it, completely spontaneous, when would it be? When do I feel like it?
It is when I feel good. Energetic. When I am available. When I am not stressed or upset.
Usually on weekdays it’s in the early evening. But sometimes I have a busier day. Or I have something else I want or need to do. Sometime I just like to watch something on Netflix. So, it depends.
What are my values regarding the relationship? Let’s ask it in another way: What is important to me?
Well, I want to have a close intimate relationship. I want to have a loving relationship. One in which we both feel seen and heard. And, I want to have fun together.
So, it’s important to me that we talk every day. To be in touch with what is going on in each other’s lives. To check in on how we feel. How was our day. To feel loved every day through loving words and touch. For example, for me going for walks hand in hand is very important. As I feel the loving connection, the togetherness.
Also, I am a true believer in the importance of day to day loving. So, daily physical contact is very important to me. Of course, there can be exceptions.
And also feeling the happy part of love is important to me. Again, every day. More than the sharing of problems and challenges. Or, at least as important.
The question here is: What does my partner want? What is important to him or her? This is a place of inquiry. Of being truly open and curious.
We may already know. But it’s always good to ask. Things change.
We can also ask them two different questions. One for each of the two steps: When do you feel like meeting? What is important to you in general?
What are our agreements? What do we hold true in our relationship.
Some go without saying anymore. Being completely honest with each other. Respect each other. Etc.
And we have more subtle ones. We worked on those a lot through the years. It’s still a work in progress. Probably always will be.
On the weekdays we like to take a walk together. We like to watch a funny sitcom before going to sleep. We may also sometimes talk on the phone during the day.
But we also cherish our individual time. Very much so. During the day we focus on our work. On other valued relationships. We uphold giving our full attention to what we are doing. And we try to minimize distractions. Even from each other. Therefore, we usually do not have small conversations during the day. As some couples like.
Ayelet: When we started dating, I realized something right away. Meeting only when I felt like it wouldn’t work. First, because Opher likes to spend a lot of time together. But also because of the rules of engagement. I wanted a really great relationship. So, I knew I must commit to it. We both do. And it requires time. And attention. It will not become great by itself.
I wanted a wonderful partnership more than I wanted my free time.
So yes, there was a balance to be found. And it can only be found by being truthfully honest. I knew that I would have to give up a lot of my cherished free time. And later I learned that I had to give more. I gave up a lot of time that was devoted to social connections.
I have a busy life. I love to give my full attention to what I do. And I don’t like being in a hurry. I hate being stressed. So realistically something had to give. I made room for our connections. And I cut down on other things. One of which was Netflix time.
Also being realistic, we had to synchronize our calendars. And give up much of the spontaneity. We are both busy.
We found a balance between our different needs and life requirements. This balancing is an on-going thing. Balance is a verb. Not a static state.
That is not because Opher wants it this way. Nor because I do. It is because a loving relationship requires it. If you want high results. You must apply high standards. Physics.
Start small. Practice the 5 levels of honesty on a very small issue. One that is not that important to you. Use it to research inside: What do I feel about what happened? What do I think?
Now, go for more: What’s important to me in life? What do I value? Then move on to think about your partner. What do they value? You may ask them too.
Then figure the relationship side. What agreements you two set up that are relevant. What do those agreements have to ‘say’ on this issue?
Finally, what does a loving relationship look like. In general, and in regards to the issue. Which basic blocks of loving relationships are being honored? Which do you want to better honor?
Start small. As you gain skill and confidence, move on to more substantial issues. Remember that the ladder is a capability we learn. So, we can strengthen and improve it. All it requires is practice.
One last thing. It’s an inner process. Your partner is all in and wants to do it too? That’s wonderful. But they don’t have to. It’s your choice and your process. Anyways, like with any change: It has to be done internally, to truly start a change.
Good luck, and enjoy.