“It’s adding insult to injury. When I heard about it, I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. It’s like he erased everything we had together, who we were. How could he?” Diane still wasn’t sure if her ex was serious about his new relationship, but it did look that way to her.
“It’s as if all those loving words he kept saying, that I was his one and only, forever, didn’t mean anything. Like our love wasn’t that deep. I just can’t grasp it. How is it possible that everything we had together just vanished? How could he just replace me with someone else?!”
First of all, no, the answer most likely isn’t “because they never loved me.” Often, that’s just not true.
I’m here to tell you that it’s possible to truly and deeply love someone and still move on quickly. Some people can love someone for years and decades, be totally committed, and still move on quickly after the separation.
I know it can be hard to grasp that people can love deeply and still move on fast, and it may seem counterintuitive. But if our ex has already moved on, it can be important to realize that. Otherwise, we may start unnecessarily doubting whether they truly loved us. This can make the breakup much more painful and the healing more difficult.
Now, for the breakdown. I’ll explain how moving on quickly after a meaningful, long-term, loving relationship often happens.
The time it takes to move on is often determined by factors other than how deeply we loved or how important the relationship was to us. Here are three main factors:
For example, some people are always in a relationship, never alone. They either can’t emotionally handle being alone or simply don’t want to be.
For them, it’s not at all related to how much love and connection they felt in the previous relationship. After a separation, they always move on quickly, and it’s natural for them.
Sometimes they really plan to be alone for a while, but somehow, only a month passes, and it happens again – almost against their will.
This doesn’t mean they don’t deeply love their partners or that they aren’t invested in the relationship. Sometimes, the opposite is true – they can be people with strong relationship skills and big romantics. They just move on quickly.
We can look at our ex’s history – were they ever alone for a long time, or are they always in a relationship?
And then there’s also just chance. Sometimes, it just happens by coincidence. They didn’t intend to start a new relationship, but happened to meet someone at work, at the gym, or through friends, and a connection started.
The partner who decided to leave may have already gone through the mental and emotional separation process while still in the relationship. This process may have been slow and gradual, taking months or even years. It could have been a build-up that eventually led to a one-sided decision to separate. It’s important to note that this gradual separation happens while they still want the relationship and are trying to make it work.
In this case, it’s not that they got over it quickly, but that they had already gone through the separation process while still together. In fact, it may have taken them a very long time, possibly even years.
Back to Diane.
“It’s true, there’s no way my ex will be alone, he has to be with someone. It makes sense now that I think about it. I know he really loved me but we just didn’t want the same things anymore. We became very different people over the years.”
Quick Recap:
I hope you’ve found these insights helpful on your way to overcoming the breakup, letting go, and feeling good again.
Wishing you Love and Happiness,
Allie
Note: Diane is a fictional character created for the purpose of clearer illustration. Her words and feelings are based on my personal experience and that of hundreds of people I’ve guided through overcoming separation and divorce.