“It’s so hard for me without her, and now it seems like she doesn’t care anymore. She’s over it. I don’t even expect it to hurt her like it hurts me, but I’d just be relieved to know that it hurts her too… that she still cares. I feel even more alone.”
Mark’s ex called to tell him she was in a new relationship. She wanted him to hear it from her. It had been six months since the breakup, but for him, it felt like they had just broken up yesterday. He was still overwhelmed by the breakup and missed her terribly.
“We were together for a long time, and I still can’t imagine being with someone else. We were best friends and had an incredible connection, always talking and doing things together.”
Like Mark, after a breakup, we may have to face the reality of our ex moving on much sooner than we do. First, please know that this heartbreaking situation happens more often than we may realize. Many, including myself, have gone through it.
I want to share four useful insights that can make a difference in how we go through this situation.
It can be really draining trying to keep up with our ex—trying to move on at the same pace, to hurriedly stop hurting just because they have. Or feeling pressured to be with someone new just because they are. It’s trying to manage our life according to theirs, and, without meaning to, putting the ex at the center of our life.
On the other hand, we can choose to put ourselves at the center and live life at our own pace. We can allow ourselves to hurt for as long as it hurts and move on when we’re ready.
The choice to ‘walk our walk’, to be in our own space and time, can help us reclaim our sense of individuality and confidence. This can actually create more room for recovery to happen faster.
I remember how painful it was when I imagined how happy my ex must be with his new partner. Of course, he wasn’t that happy with her, as I later found out. They had problems and even broke up eventually.
When our ex moves on, we may imagine the best possible scenarios for them, as if they’re now having the time of their lives. We may project onto them the ideal relationship we dream of —a no-problem relationship.
Then we may imagine they’ve suddenly become this ultimate happy person, with all of their issues and difficulties gone. This is how our imagination can work.
It’s important to recognize this whenever it happens—we are just imagining how happy they are. Even if they are happy and in a great relationship, it’s probably not as perfect as our imagination. And most likely, they are still their regular selves, and the relationship has its problems, like always.
Here’s a simple practice I’ve found to be helpful. If you start imagining how happy they are in an Instagram-perfect moment, add a realistic twist. Maybe they don’t like something about their new partner, and it keeps bothering them, or maybe they keep fighting. Maybe the greatest thing in your relationship doesn’t work so well in theirs. Just a small change that can make our imagination more realistic—and might help us feel a little better.
The wheel turns—sometimes we’re up, and sometimes we’re down. Just because our ex is currently in a “better place” doesn’t mean the situation will always stay that way.
When we feel it’s not fair that they’re happy while we feel so bad—something that often happens after a breakup—we can view life as a marathon rather than a sprint. The current situation is temporary, just one turn in a very long road. Eventually, we too will move on. We’ll get over the breakup, let go, and our happiness will no longer be tied to their situation.
This often works––just reminding ourselves how much we care about them and really want them to be happy. In the pain of the breakup, we can sometimes lose touch with this simple truth, and losing touch with it can actually make it hurt even more.
Even when feeling betrayed, angry, and hurt, we can reconnect with this deep truth––we love them and want them to be happy. I’ve found that just remembering this can make a real difference in how we feel.
Now, back to Mark.
“I do love her and wish she would find someone who makes her happy. She’s a good person. I really tried, but it was never enough. She kept getting annoyed with little things, never just happy to be with me. I guess I’m also a little relieved. A friend told me she probably really loved me, but wasn’t in love with me. Now I can find someone who’ll be truly happy with me, as I am.”
I hope you’ve found these insights helpful on your way to overcoming the breakup, letting go, and feeling good again about yourself and your life.
Wishing you Love and Happiness,
Allie
Note: Mark is a fictional character created for the purpose of clearer illustration. His words and feelings are based on my personal experience and that of hundreds of people I’ve guided through overcoming separation and divorce.